no matter what I do to put my feelings in that damn jar and tuck it in some beautifully decorated treasure chest or perfectly dug hole, it just keeps floating right out of there and floating around my face. I have no words today but I feel compelled to write. I want to write all of the time, like in my old blog. But I am doing my best to be positive and speak of good things. But I am realizing, that part of my job on this journey through this life is to just express myself, regardless of others thoughts and expectations. I have always wanted to write a book on my life. Some things that have happened in my 29 year old life are hard to believe. Im sure everyone has that problem.

When I dream of her I wake up hating. I wake up angry. I wake up sad to the depths of my being. I feel a need a desire to be with her like no one can understand. Its what every mother feels. ..The need to mother their child. Except I cant mother her. I can stand by and watch her grow up without me, without teaching her what I know and love, without hugging her when she needs me, without influencing her. Im in the peanut gallery, way up high, with my tear filled popcorn bag, cheering, worrying, biting my nails, whats left of them. I dont talk a lot about my true feelings. As I have grown older, my feelings have changed.

I need to write. I need to open that jar and just let the colors float out and swirl around me. Lift me up, toss me around, throw me to the ground, feel them and let them go.

When I touch on the subject of "her", it makes me armpits sweat, my heart race, my stomach turn. I have chosen a life for her. A beautiful life, filled with family, values, beauty, fields of fireflies and fairies, love and everything else in a magical story. I am thankful she is loved so much and lives such a beautiful life. I couldn't of chosen a better mother for her. She is a beautiful soul and she loves my wildflower like no one else could.

I feel like I watch her life through a magic window. I am on the outside waving, smiling, opening it up to hug for a moment and look into her eyes, then its closed again. I feel like everytime it closes down again, it smashes my fingers and I fall back into a tunnel of blackness with pelting rain and stinging lightening. Falling down to a ground that never catches me. I have myself to pat on the back for it. Thats the worst part.

Now as an adult, with a another child to love and keep safe and call my own, it has helped. I have a beautiful life. There will always be a crazy cloud above me though. I have a lot to say about this. I feel inclined to keep it to myself right now. It is such a sensative subject for a lot of people. No one can understand my feelings or my anger.

I want to teach her so much. I want to show her places. I want to help her enter into womanhood, like my mother did with me. I want to lay under the stars with her and hold her hand while we spin on this earth together. I want to help her with her crushes and heartaches. I just want to be there damn it.