no matter what I do to put my feelings in that damn jar and tuck it in some beautifully decorated treasure chest or perfectly dug hole, it just keeps floating right out of there and floating around my face. I have no words today but I feel compelled to write. I want to write all of the time, like in my old blog. But I am doing my best to be positive and speak of good things. But I am realizing, that part of my job on this journey through this life is to just express myself, regardless of others thoughts and expectations. I have always wanted to write a book on my life. Some things that have happened in my 29 year old life are hard to believe. Im sure everyone has that problem.

When I dream of her I wake up hating. I wake up angry. I wake up sad to the depths of my being. I feel a need a desire to be with her like no one can understand. Its what every mother feels. ..The need to mother their child. Except I cant mother her. I can stand by and watch her grow up without me, without teaching her what I know and love, without hugging her when she needs me, without influencing her. Im in the peanut gallery, way up high, with my tear filled popcorn bag, cheering, worrying, biting my nails, whats left of them. I dont talk a lot about my true feelings. As I have grown older, my feelings have changed.

I need to write. I need to open that jar and just let the colors float out and swirl around me. Lift me up, toss me around, throw me to the ground, feel them and let them go.

When I touch on the subject of "her", it makes me armpits sweat, my heart race, my stomach turn. I have chosen a life for her. A beautiful life, filled with family, values, beauty, fields of fireflies and fairies, love and everything else in a magical story. I am thankful she is loved so much and lives such a beautiful life. I couldn't of chosen a better mother for her. She is a beautiful soul and she loves my wildflower like no one else could.

I feel like I watch her life through a magic window. I am on the outside waving, smiling, opening it up to hug for a moment and look into her eyes, then its closed again. I feel like everytime it closes down again, it smashes my fingers and I fall back into a tunnel of blackness with pelting rain and stinging lightening. Falling down to a ground that never catches me. I have myself to pat on the back for it. Thats the worst part.

Now as an adult, with a another child to love and keep safe and call my own, it has helped. I have a beautiful life. There will always be a crazy cloud above me though. I have a lot to say about this. I feel inclined to keep it to myself right now. It is such a sensative subject for a lot of people. No one can understand my feelings or my anger.

I want to teach her so much. I want to show her places. I want to help her enter into womanhood, like my mother did with me. I want to lay under the stars with her and hold her hand while we spin on this earth together. I want to help her with her crushes and heartaches. I just want to be there damn it.

I am hesitant to write this post. However, I am true to myself and what I believe in so here we go. Sometimes I feel things, see things, hear things, etc. that are not of our dimension. And yes, I do believe in other dimensions. I believe that some people can see more things than others. Like a veil is lifted for them with certain things in their lives. There are levels of the soul. Some people who are living on the planet the same time as myself have a very enlightened soul, knowledge and an in tune consciousness. Others have no idea what is happening around them and have no idea what intuition even is. There are levels. People attract other people by the vibrations they put off. I personally feel that you connect with other people depending on your souls level. I believe in progression. I believe in spiritual growth and lessons. I do not believe in religion or anyone that says they speak for god or anyone who thinks they can tell you to repent for your sins. I believe you will learn with each life, how to progress to spiritual enlightenment.

I also believe in magic. I believe in Spirits, angels, fairies, aliens, I'll take it all. I love believing in things like that. Life is so much more fun to me when I am in a state of wonder and curiosity about the possibilities of such things. I have personally had experiences in my life that have proven some things to be true. To me, it just seems normal to believe in the unknown. People believe in Jesus right? He's as real to me as an alien flying a space ship around. If it were up to me, wait it is, I would rather believe in extra terrestrials on some beautiful planet in another beautiful galaxy with mind blowing forms of nature and colors than to believe in something so confining as judgement day, heaven, rules, you cant get in because your gay, I have to share my husband with 49 other woman, no need to make love or eat or sleep or cry kind of place. I will take the alien planet please. Actually, I would take floating in space alone naked and freezing than to go to that place. Shouldn't that be called hell anyway?

I don't mind not having a washer and dryer. I really don't. I normally don't mind going down the st to the local laundry mat either. But lately its been getting worse and worse. The last few times I have gone, the same guy is there. You know those guys you see that wear the thick 80's glasses, are balding, have a big belly with sweat stains, etc.  I don't know what he does for a living but in my opinion, he rapes women and stalks them at laundry mats. I know its judgmental. I am stereotyping him. but if he doesn't want me to mistake him for a Chester the molester than he should try to not be so Chester like and try to be a James or Drew, maybe style his hair and get contacts, hell, maybe he could even try some skinny jeans or something. I dont know. Maybe not fold his stuff so awkwardly or roll his precious rack that he brings from home around by his side...Or maybe he should just not schedule his laundry around my life. . I am worrying about going to down there for no reason....or am I? DUN Dun dunnnnn

When I was a young lass, cruising through my young adult life without a care in the world besides clothes, led zeppelin, drugs and beer bongs, it was an entirely different world. I didn't have children to take care of, a man to love and feed or a mom body. You know what I mean by mom body. ha. When I was younger I would go to the local river and float down it with my friends. Sure there was alcohol involved and maybe once and awhile I would earn some beads around my neck for flashing my, what I miss now, perfect rack.
I decided to float down the river again, ten years later. I was with my love and another couple we love who are a little older than us. The four of us arrived on the scene prepared with a cooler, lots of fresh fruit (because that's what partying is all about) and some floppy hats. While outside of the car where all of the young mutant idiots were tail-gating at 9am and showing off their childish bodies that made me cringe when looking down at my own, pasty, cheesy mom body,...we cautiously sprayed every inch of ours with sunscreen and sipped on water. We know how to get down.
Approaching the river amongst all of these fools was a cherished moment for me. I feel like I'm young still inside but I was thanking the universe at the moment that I was an almost 30 somewhat responsible adult.
They had pirate flags, speakers the size of my tube, hipster hair styles and bathing suits, random tattoos in the most random spots, beer bongs, dogs on their rafts, bags of marsh mellows which would later be pelted at my head and the most ridiculous excuse for music known to man. I think I heard a group yelling the lyrics that I swear went like this. "monkey shoes my monkey shoes" or something like that. I couldn't paddle away faster. I especially loved floating by the group with kids and the song "lets talk about sex" blasting on their speakers. You are not cool.
So after the marsh mellow wars, the furious leg kicks to get away from the large groups of children with rabies, the constant comparisons in my head when I would see a naive 17 year old with a perfect set of boobs and feel a little less confident and the constant worry of what disease or piece of tiny garbage is getting too close to my crotch...it happened.
A guy in a very large group on blow up mattresses, including scared as shit dogs trying to balance, asked me if I wanted a jello shot. I said "uh sure" He said "show some boobs". I felt like lifting up both my legs and arms at one time so I could fall right through the bottom of my tube and sink to the bottom. But instead, I did what an adult would do and said "no thanks, I have mom boobs and I only show those puppies to my lucky boyfriend over there, but have a nice day".  Oh how life has changed.

I had the chance the other night on the full eclipse day to look through a very large telescope into the sky. I was already overwhelmed with what I had just witnessed with seeing the moon travel in front of the sun. I was wearing gear that permitted me to look straight at it. I will just say that there are times in my life that I totally disconnect with feeling human. When the wonder and shock of things is so overwhelming that it puts my mind in a state of euphoria, spiritually. As I was looking at the moon make its way in front of the sun and listening to great gig in the sky by pink floyd, I experienced that state of mind again. When nothing in the world matters besides that moment. Nothing. All of the aches I was feeling, turmoil, sadness, fear, worry, etc. It was all gone for a small moment while watching this happen. There is so much more to life than we understand. I wanted to burst out of my seat like a giant spring and fly right onto the moon for a front row seat. (without getting fried to a crisp of course because this is a fantasy, not reality) I wanted to go with it. I wanted to be taken out of the pain and drama of life and just go for a ride, maybe wave down on all of the lucky souls who actually give a damn about amazing events such as this.

I want nothing more than to see space and wander around galaxies to see what its all about. There is nothing more exciting to me than being able to see planets, stars, moons, galaxies, etc. Well, actually. . . maybe swimming in a river naked after drinking my share of whisky, or making love to my soul mate, or giving birth to a child. .

So after the eclipse, my friend set the telescope up and I went over to see what was waiting for me inside. I am already as blind as a bat so I was nervous I wouldn't see it. Then it happened. My eyes focused and there, in all of her glory and beauty and sheer mystery was Saturn. If you are opened spiritually I believe certain things happen inside of you when you see things like this. For me, it was a feeling of wonder, mystery, frozen shock, curiosity and a ton of eeriness. It was small and very bright but the rings were perfectly visible. I felt like an ant.

Then I noticed a beautiful bright star and was fixated on that and asked my friend what that was...It looked familiar. He said "Vega". My heart sank and I knew it. Its like the little bastard mustached ring leader of my life circus came out once again with his stupid little top hat on and yelled in my head "time to start the show you emotional wreck of a human!" I felt the emotions poor in thinking of my daughter I placed for adoption. I named her Aurora Vega. That name is only real on her birth certificate and in the sky for me to see every night.

This morning I found a daddy long leg spider in my cupboard. I grabbed him and his beautiful web that probably took him hours to make or days for that matter (shows how often I clean my cupboards) with a paper towel, like a giant monster with a furry of passion. I opened my garbage and tossed him and his home right in and poured some other trash on top. I kept taking breaths for him. ha. I felt horrible. So I went back in and tried to save him. He perished. I'm a murderer.

Anxious.

You know when you read a book and you feel like the kid from Neverending story? Like the book is yelling your name and there is lighting and thunder all around you? I am feeling like that with this book. I am not going to say the name of it because I am private like that and insecure with its title a wee little bit. However, I am experiencing quite a feeling of anxiety. Anxiety because I know what I am reading is true and so right and real that I want to pull that blanket over my head while I am eating my meatless sandwhich, just like sabastian...But I am 29 years old and should have a pair of brass balls for what my life has delivered to me thus far.